My passion is to help others in the community, young, old, and everyone in between, find relevance and joy in learning, performing or listening to classical music.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Revisiting stage fright

Still image of Marlene Dietrich in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, Stage Fright,
from Wikimedia Commons
In general I love performing but every so often I have a reoccurring nightmare that may or may not sound familiar in which I find myself being nudged onstage, holding an instrument I've never played, to play a piece I know I can't play.  

Well, silly me -  this past week I voluntarily chose to make this nightmare of mine a reality with quite an amusing but educational result.  

Let me set the stage for you...

I play piano for a local cello studio that I absolutely love.  With lots of wonderfully enthusiastic students, both young and old(er), it's a place where encouragement and support are always freely given.  At the end of every school year a big recital is put together that is centered around some sort of theme with this year's being French music.  Of course I accompany all those that are playing solos but I also use this occasion to pull my own cello out of the closet, not only to join in on the ensemble numbers, but also to play a solo myself.  I always leave learning my piece to the last week which tends to make me a bit nervous, but it's a slight discomfort that I'm willing, even eager to bear in an effort to give back to this studio that gives me so much throughout the year.

This year I took everything a little too far.  My husband, a wonderful singer, declared that he really wanted to take part in this year's event so we decided he would sing Reynaldo Hahn's exquisite song, "A Chloris" in addition to me playing the cello solo I had already picked out for myself.   Well, for some reason I didn't think it would be right for me to just accompany him from the piano (it was a cello recital, after all) so brilliant me decided that I'd arrange it for three cellos.  I quickly realized, however, that having a cello on the top line of the piano part would get in my husband's way so brilliant me declared, "I can play it on the flute!" 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh my heavens.  I have no idea what I was thinking and I often wonder if I'm a bit off-kilter to come up with such a wacky idea.  You see, I don't really play the flute.  I own a flute, yes.  I have taught myself (sort of) to play, yes.  But have I ever played for anyone other than myself, my daughter, or my husband?  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Have I ever performed on the flute?  On stage?  In front of people?  I think you know that answer to that.  

But as soon as my brilliant idea came out of my mouth my husband readily agreed and even seemed a bit excited.  Oh dear.

I made the arrangement, I practiced (a little bit,) and the next day we all rehearsed - it actually went pretty well.  I got some good tips about vibrato and breathing from some of my twitter and Facebook friends over the next few days and I was feeling like this might actually turn out all right.  In fact, I was thinking that it might even be kind of fun.

Then the performance day arrived.  It was an absolutely crazy day and we didn't have a chance to run through the Hahn until 15 minutes prior to concert time.  That's when my gum-drop sweet visions of becoming an official flute player quickly soured into a nightmare.  Halfway through the run-through I couldn't get any notes out of the flute.  Nothing.  Nada.  It was like the bad case flutingytis, if there is such a thing.  Being a pianist and a cellist, I had never experienced anything like this.  You can always get a note out of either of those instruments - it might not sound very good, but still.  And this was one of those cases when my knowledge about performance anxiety didn't help at all.  All I could think about was the terror I knew I was feeling.

Backstage, the cellists asked for me to play an "A" so they could tune to me but I could barely get anything out which just made matters even worse.  At one point I looked at my husband and said, "I really, really can't do this."

But guess what?  I didn't have a choice.

So we walked out on stage and did it.  Let me rephrase that - they did it and I came along for the ride, adding some notes here and there to the best of my ability.  As a seasoned performer and one that writes about dealing with performance anxiety all the time on this blog and elsewhere, this was all quite humbling.  When I walked off stage, I was devastated, frustrated, embarrassed, and a bit mad.  My poor husband got quite the icy reproach that he didn't deserve since it was my idea in the first place.  But after a few minutes of cooling down, I managed to turn myself around and to see the lemonade in my handful of lemons.   Being the generous person I am, I'll share some of my lemonade with all of you, in the hope that something sweet will come out of this experience that might otherwise be humiliating.  Here's what I learned:
  • I was made viscerally aware of what it feels like to be glued to the floor in terror prior to walking on-stage and how helpless one can feel when something goes terribly wrong right beforehand.  Hopefully this will come in handy when I'm accompanying someone in the same boat. 
  • I learned how dangerous it can be to practice a lot the night before, especially considering how out of shape/inexperienced I am.  That night I tweeted and posted on Facebook that my lips were tingling - I think that was a sign that I had, perhaps, overdone it.  
  • I realized what a blessing it is that I feel so comfortable at the piano and it confirmed for me that piano truly is my instrument!  I was talking to an adult cello student after the concert about this and she told me her story - that she started off as a pianist but never felt quite right at that instrument.  As soon as she switched to cello she felt right at home and has never looked back to making that switch.  So perhaps we all have instruments that are simply "meant to be" for us and there's nothing wrong with that.
  • I learned how important it is for a musician that uses breath to be well hydrated before walking out onto the stage.  In the craziness and busyness of the afternoon I didn't allow myself the time to drink any water nor did I realize I should be thinking about that.  As a pianist I can play with the flu, with a migraine, dehydrated, and starving...I don't think anyone can do that with the flute.  
  • I was reminded of how much harder on myself I am than anyone else, especially the people in this audience and in this cello studio is.  I was absolutely convinced that I had made an utter fool of myself and I think there are some that realized that was a shaky performance.  But for the most part my performance received many compliments that completely blew me away.   I even had several people say that they had always pictured me as a flutist.  Ha!  That made me chuckle.  
Will I ever pull out my flute again?  Probably.  I like playing it too much.

Will I ever perform in public again?  Not any time too soon.  But I am kind of crazy so you never know.

Do I regret having performed yesterday?  I did at first.  But now?  Nah.  I happen to really like lemonade.  


16 comments:

  1. I would just like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this. Now I'm off to learn the flute! ;-)

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    1. Very funny, Katie! I think you should just stick with piano otherwise a certain piano teacher might get a little grumpy on me!

      But I'm glad you enjoyed reading. Definitely better than hearing me play the flute, lol!

      -Erica

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  2. Interesting ... I played the flute for a while, in my pre-stage-fright days (i.e., I was a kid and didn't know enough to have it), and I don't remember having this problem. But then again, I probably didn't practice enough to lose my lip like that. It does make a good story, though.

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    1. Hmmm, Harriet. I guess I'm just really creative! I'm actually planning on having my first official flute lesson with an actual flutist in a few weeks so perhaps I'll learn more then. I could use the help - obviously!

      -Erica

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    2. You and your flute should come to Community Band. wed 7:30 B''burg high and then the following weeks we will be at your church. It would be a great way to practice.

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    3. Anonymous, who is not so anonymous to me,
      I had never considered doing that but that might be just the thing to help me feel a little more comfortable outside my own little practice room. Thanks!

      -Erica

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  3. Erica, I have been playing for a year and a half and still can't get the nerve to play in the studio recital. So, good for you! And you are right, while it's possible to play dehydrated or hungry it usually doesn't sound as good as it does when we are feeling well. Oh, and playing a note here and there reminds me of my recent experience of playing a solo at church that I had a chance to sight read once. I got lost in the middle of it, had to improvise for a measure to get back to the melody and changed registers abruptly (decided that though I can play in the high register, it doesn't sound very good). After the evening service that same day one sweet lady came up to me obviously excited and said 'I loved that hymn you played this morning! It's awesome! What is it?' So, you never know. There might always be someone who was deeply moved by what you did even if it was not perfect (or, in my case, really really bad. LOL)

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    1. Well, Olya,
      I think it's high time you give it a whirl too! If I can do it, you can do it.

      And I love your story about playing in church. In my experience, unless I'm playing for musicians at an extremely high level (and that rarely happens), this type of reaction is more often the case - someone inevitably loves whatever is given to them because quite frankly, people love listening and watching to live performances! And church people have an extra strong connection to listening to hymns and tunes they grew up with. They are usually powerful musical experiences for them even if some notes are dropped or improvised! That's why I like playing for retirees at our church a lot!

      Thanks for reading, Olya and I look forward to hearing about your more successful attempt at performing on the flute!

      All the best,
      Erica

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  4. You have, once again, turned a tough experience into opportunity and shared valuable lessons. I would like to except a part of the lemonade section on my website, it I may? I do agree about the instrument that fits. After 20+ years playing piano self-taught, I took a year and dedicated myself to it, including lessons from good teachers. Every time I played I was terribly nervous, and made lots of mistakes. I finally came to the conclusion that as a pianist, I would never be anything more than mediocre. Then I tried flute..love, love, love! I have steadily improved, discovered a talent for writing music, and bonus...rarely get nervous. The flute is my instrument, as the piano is yours.

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    1. Thank you, Janet, for reading and commenting. And yes, of course you're more than welcome to excerpt a part.

      So yes, I guess I'll stick with piano...gladly. But I don't think I'll give up on flute entirely. There's something about it that I really love. And I guess I'll just have to perform with more flutists to get my fix of flute on stage. Perhaps someday it will be with you!

      You'll be on your instrument, I'll be on mine...perfection!

      Happy practicing and musicking,
      Erica

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  5. Great story. I've been playing the cello for a couple of years and my teacher has a recital twice a year. I'm fine up until the moment I sit down, and then a huge surge of adrenaline floods my body. This induces an impressive range of hand tremors that made playing, especially with the left hand, all but impossible. I tried a bunch of different things to try to eliminate the problem, all to no avail.

    I finally tried some beta blockers as a last resort, and . . . voila, miracle cure. I know I'm not playing at Carnegie, but it's worth it. I recommend it to any amateur who deals with awful adrenaline issues, if nothing else works. :)

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    1. Cellophyte,
      You are certainly not alone with your surge of adrenaline and the symptoms it causes. Nerves manifest themselves in such different ways depending on the individual and I've worked with many people that have routinely thrown me for a loop. But I find it interesting to try and beat our own chemistry in order to get ourselves to a more sane, musical, and comfortable place on stage.

      I'm glad you're discovered beta blockers - that definitely seems to work for many people and if it gets folks comfortable enough so that they can perform, I'm all for it!

      Thanks for reading and for sharing your own experience.

      Happy music-making!

      -Erica

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  6. Laughing! Great post! Love the part about being comfortable with a particular instrument. Piano is my comfort zone - don't make me get up in front of a crowd and talk, though. My teacher husband will never understand this.

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    1. LaDona,
      Glad you're laughing. It makes the whole painful experience worthwhile :-)

      And in regards to public speaking, I'm great if I don't prepare at all beforehand but if I just wing it? I'm pretty good! It's ridiculous and kind of irritating. Also makes it hard to "prepare" since preparing tends to mess me up.

      Go figure.

      Thank you for reading!

      -Erica

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  7. I have to say that being with you, my wife of almost 14 years, on that day was somewhat surrealistic. I had never seen the fright that I saw on your face, and I really just wanted to rescue you. At the same time, I was really looking forward to singing. We're more used to the roles being reversed. Your experience on Sunday with the anticipation of things not going well are very similar to experiences I've had - when my oboe reed wasn't working well, or when I've had to sing even though my voice is not doing well. I am in agreement with statements here about the perceptions of the audience in circumstances like this. I once did a horrible job with some Ives pieces because I had over-sung in the days leading up to the performance. Afterwards one audience member told me that she enjoyed so very much the piece that was a living nightmare for me to get through. Go figure. Could it even be that when we reach those awful moments in front of an audience and we stick with it anyway, that there is a transparency that is meaningful to the audience? I believe transparency is one of the hallmarks of great artists and great performances.

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    1. Thanks for letting me know your side of everything, Tadd. I do think it was good that we did the performance because it really did give me some more insight into how woodwind, brass, and singers must experience on a pretty regular basis - your instrument is not the same from day to day, hour to hour, and that is something that would be hard to get used to - at least for me. I'm used to dealing with different instruments, different pianos, of course, but that's just not the same - I now know that.

      And I love what you have to say about there being more transparency in situations like this and that perhaps that's what can sometimes translate positively to an audience. Very, very insightful!

      Thanks for putting up with me at that performance, Tadd. It meant a lot to me that you were willing to give a crazy girl like me a chance!

      Love,
      Erica

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